Oxford, Day 21. Remembering

(This one's kind of heavy, guys. Apologies in advance.)

Kelly was good enough to wake me in time for tea. Actual tea, not "tea." Watched some terrible British television, went grocery shopping, and watched some more terrible British television.

Prof. Gaines's lecture was interesting. He talked about the great complexity of elections and how who wins can depend hugely on the electoral process itself (with some Lewis Carroll tie-ins to boot). He's a real smart guy - Lewis Carroll, not Professor Gaines.

I went up Saxon Tower (finally) by myself. It was only like £1 and I was able to deal with my fears of falling to a bone-crunching death with the help of the breathtaking view. You could see the city a lot better than I expected. (From the ground, the tower doesn't look very tall.) I putzed around with my camera for about 15 minutes trying to capture the whole panorama as best I could. It was extremely windy up there and my knees never really stopped shaking. (Now I'm just making excuses.)

Also! I forgot to mention the first of my boyish curiosities that tempted 20p out of me on my way up the tower. There was a really cool old gear system that used to control the bells which still kind of works. If you put 20p into the coin slot the gears would start turning and eventually the bells would ring in succession. There were lots of crazy-spinning metal arms and I thought it was all awesome despite its shutting down and sputtering on and off numerous times.

After a slow descent from the top of the tower, with each careful step down adding a bit of reassurance, I decided to look around the part of the building that was used as a church. There was some great stained glass and it seemed like a pretty cool place to worship if you were into that sort of thing.

I am by no means a very religious person. I really do believe there is some connecting force that makes life worthwhile and gives people the dynamics we all have, but I don't go to church or give any of the ideology much thought. The religious right and World History have made me somewhat of a skeptic. (Imagine that.) I know I'm a good person with the right intentions and a lot of love in my heart; and I know I'm very lucky because I can stand on my own and get by without the same type of blind faith. I've found that religion can really only take hold of the people who need it for some particular reason. They're looking for an answer to a question they can't answer, for meaning, for gratification, or just because life can be so hard and unfair and sad that they feel they need to find out why from God, himself.

I've gotten onto this longwinded track because there really was something about being alone in that place that made it seem almost supernatural. I noticed the large, perfect organ pipes along the wall and then, immediately after, a rack holding a few small, flickering candles. I threw 20p in the slot and lit 2 candles of my own.

One candle was for Sarah's mom. The past. The family I've known, the family I've missed, the friends I've lost touch with, and all of the other things that I can do nothing to change. And the other is for me - my future. Sarah, who I love and hope every day can find some explanation or understanding for why this happened to her that can really allow for things to get better. For my family- the long happy lives I wish for my parents, my sister, my aunts and uncles and cousins, and my friends - all of whom I take for granted far too often. It's for hope and for inspiration, for all of the things I'd love to do and the places I'd love to see. For the privilege of having a thousand great memories to look back at (when I'm 40, on my deathbed).

When I'm feeling uncertain or inadequate or simply terrified about growing up I hope I'll be able to read these words and feel an inkling of the way I felt lighting those candles. I left the church with the image of 2 fresh flames burning strong and bright, and I know I'll be going back home soon without having seen that those flames have waned and died. I hope that these words can keep that image fresh and those candles burning closely beneath my ass.

No more writing. There's fun to be had.